I began this journey, not with a big sendoff, but a minor shift in direction. When I decided to start HRT, I was still not sure that I would completely transition. I definitely wanted the feminization that it would bring, but I had not convinced my mind that I could truly be accepted in society as a female. So I had no real timetable, no schedule, no end plan. Just take the HRT and see what happened. There was still this thing inside me that said: ‘You really can’t do this, you will be stuck in a male role the rest of your life’.
That voice, the voice of doubt, I think lives inside many transgender people. It drives the fear, the self doubt, the depression. When that voice is accompanied by voices from the outside as well, it cements its legitimacy.
When society expresses disapproval of anyone outside of their understanding, by misgendering a transgender person, staring incredulously, or openly expressing disapproval, it amplifies that voice. It is nourishment to our internal voice of doubt. You feel like that voice is backed up by the world, and the part of you that feels trans is a lie, a mistake.
These are things I knew, I understood. So I was expecting a big fight, not just with society, but with my mind, just to progress toward being me. No one is harder to argue with than yourself!
If you have read my blog, you know that I rarely encountered these outside voices. Society has treated me with the kind of respect and equality that few transgender people experience. My wife and daughters have been on my side 110%. My work colleagues have been exceptional.
For quite a while now, I hear only She, Her, Ma’am, no matter where I am. That voice of doubt in my head has died from lack of nourishment. I finally believe that I can be accepted. In reality I have been accepted in society.
I realized that I have transitioned, sometime back while I was still trying to convince myself that I could, I just went ahead and did.