I've always felt a bit like a pretender. When I was a kid, I joined the YMCA basketball league because my best friend did. I neither knew, nor cared anything about basketball, but I pretended to. At parties inevitably, I would have to talk football with other guys. Again a pretence of knowledge and care.
When I finally got the courage and support to express Jess, although good, it still felt like I was pretending. I pretended to be the person I knew I was inside, but I still felt like a fake.
I was a fake guy, and a fake girl, I knew this as fact. I was nothing, really.
Today was a new day. It was my birthday, and the best one ever. I woke up Jess. I got dressed Jess. I had lunch with my daughter, and I was Jess. I pad the bill, with a credit card with the name Jess on it. I shopped at a department store, used the fitting rooms for the first time as Jess. I had dinner with my other daughter and son-in-law, and I was Jess.
All day It as 'miss', 'ma'am', and 'ladies'
My son-in-law gave me multiple hugs, in public.
Today, I am Jess, and I'm not pretending.
i think there comes a time in every trans, gender fluid, or whatever's, life when we have to understand that subtle shift from fantasy to reality. To know you are no longer just living in your own head, but living in the real world.
I crossed that line today.