My tag is showing

I have a friend who is very influential in the local Transgender community. She often will say that we don’t want any labels. Labels are bad and we should not use them. I disagree.

 Humans are wonderful thinking machines. And we are born with a need for labels

Most parents will remember when their young children seem to say nothing except ‘What’s that?’. They can wear you out just pointing at things, asking the question. They want to give everything a name so they can identify it. 

Adults do the same. When we see something, like say a ‘Bear’. We have know things about it. It’s dangerous, furry, hibernates in the winter. If we are interested in bears we may also know the species, indigenous regions it lives, what it likes to eat, etc.

 We do this with humans as well. We recognize the approximate age of a person and apply facts to them. Are they old enough to have watched ‘All in the Family’ when it was new. Could they have fought in a war?

 We also use this to help us understand how to act around someone and how they are most likely going to act around us. If we see someone with a red face, breathing hard, scowl across their mouth, our brains label them ‘upset’. We immediately change our actions in response.

 Having lived in the trans community for several years now, I have come to understand that transgender is not the end all term. We are all different. Our goals, orientation, comfort levels, experiences are all vastly different. 

 I use the label ‘bi-gender’ because it best describes how I feel. It lets anyone else who understand the label know more about me quickly.

This is when labels are good.

The words, Bear and Adult are labels. So are American, tall, married and blonde. Nobody takes exception to these kinds of labels. Unless they don’t apply. Someone from the UK will almost always dislike being called Australian. It’s not labels that are bad, it when they are incorrectly applied that makes then wrong

 I came across this chart today on Facebook, and think it is definitely in the right direction.

(source -‘Transgender is Normal’ via Blaine Santos)

Attitude

 'You need an attitude adjustment, young man!' That's what my dad would say to me growing up.

At the time, I never really understood what he meant, now I do.

Fear of being exposed is something that every transgender experiences at some point. First we are scared of anybody finding out. we are afraid of what they will think of us. I think we don't yet know what to think of ourselves.

When I started going it was scary. I was still afraid of what people thought.

The first time I went through a fast food drive-through it was terrifying. First time to a store I almost turned around and left before entering.

But time passed, and so did my fear.

Today I went to the hospital for a X-ray. The admissions clerk looked at my paperwork, looked up at me and aid 'oh!' (All my legal docs are in my male name)

She was sweet and obviously a bit curious, so I offered to answer any questions. She was really happy and asked away.

Next I sat in the waiting room, waiting to be called in. Soon I see a technician, looking at her chart and scanning the waiting room. When I made eye contact, she mouthed my male name with a questioning look. I followed her and got the X-ray. She was pleasant and chatty.

Upon leaving the hospital, the admissions clerk, stood up and leaned out of her cubical and shouted 'Goodbye Jess!' , big smile on her face.

It's not these people that needed an attitude adjustment, I was me.

I the past, I would have been afraid of what they would think of me.

Now I view every encounter as just plain fun. I love the reactions I get and look forward to them.

Evolving

Gender expression defines those of us who are transgender.

Some of us will never fully express our true selves for more than a few minutes or hours at a time. Sometimes going months or years between that expression. Often living their entire life without ever leaving the house as their true selves.

A few will manage to change very early. The stories I read about 6 and even 4 year old kids telling their parents who they really are, and getting support, gives me tremendous joy.

It was not that way for me, or for virtually every trans I know.

I knew I wanted something different from around 3 or 4 years old. I would express myself until someone would tell me to stop, tell me it was wrong.

I would wait several years and try again, with the same results. This pattern repeated itself through my life, but as I grew older, I did not need anyone to tell me it was wrong. I had become very good at doing that myself.

 We learn behavior from the comments, actions and expressions of those around us as we grow up. I learned that I was wrong to express myself.

 The internet came about and I learned that there were others like me, lots of others. The logic of me being wrong began to unravel.

 When I again began to express myself, something was different this time, no one told me I was wrong, even my own inner voice began to fade. People began to tell me I was right, that I was brave. As time went on, my inner voice changed fromrestraint, to encouragement. I spent more and more time expressing myself, pushing to see where the limits were. I have not found any. 

After I spend 4 or 5 days as Jess, the day or so in-between is becoming more and more uncomfortable. I am now beginning to see, just a little, the dysphoria that so many transgender people report.

The amount of time I can spend comfortably not expressing myself is getting shorter and shorter. When I was young I went years, now two or 3 days is a stretch .

I see this like the pattern of an object circling a drain. The water spins it around and around the drain, with every rotation it gets closer and closer.

 I think I am getting very close to going down the drain.

Who and What

A few years ago I sat each of my two brothers down individually and explained that I was trans. One brother shrugged and said, “ You are still the same person ”. The other took it all in and went away to digest it. The next day he called to say he had done some research and that I was not trans, just a crossdresser. This was impressive, depressing and infuriating al at the same time.

 Impressive that he took the time to try and research it, depressing in the he applied a title to me that I attempt to distance myself from, and infuriating that he thought he was in a position to tell me who and what I was.

 Defining who and what we are is a real problem. A lot of lip service is given to the idea that transgender is a spectrum. But really not much is understood, certainly there is little definitive information to be found even with the best google searches.

 One of the best things to come out of the 2015 Transgender media explosion is the understanding that gender identity is completely separate from sexual orientation.

 I have come to understand that our spectrum is more diverse than just a simple gender identity and sexual orientation combination. There are many other factors, probably a large number. Humans are complex things.  

 For example I have noticed a wide range of attitude in just how much female expression is enough. I know girls who want nothing short but a complete change, HRT*, GCS**, the works. The other end of this spectrum involves those that dress in private briefly. The former is accompanied by tremendous distress in male mode, the latter is often followed by bouts of shame because of the female expression. These are extreme ends of the scale, but I think they describe at least one aspect of the transgender experience.

 I plan on exploring these and other aspect in coming blogs as I continue to understand just who and what I really am.

*HRT - Hormone replacement therapy

** GCD - Gender confirmation surgery, formerly GRS, gender reassignment surgery, formerly SRS, sexual reassignment surgery.

Off Target

I attended an advanced screening of ‘The Danish Girl’ last night, a movie highly anticipated in the trans community. It's the story of the first person to undergo sexual reassignment surgery, played by oscar winner Eddie Redmayne.

 The film is beautifully crafted. The sets, wardrobes and locations espouse authenticism. Eddie Redmayne plays Einar Wegener and Alicia Vikander portrays Gerda, his wife. They pour their heart and soul into the roles and produce emotions that explode from the screen and engulf the audience.

 I found it hard to watch. Dysphoria is present in all transgender lives, but Redmayne's portrayal is on the extreme side, giving Einar’s pain a life of it’s own. When Einar begins to express Lili, his female side, he not only loses sight of Einar, but exhibits split personality.

 Lili believes herself to be completely independent of Einar and therefore not subject to any of his obligations. When confronted about a kiss shared between Lili and Henrik, Lili tells Gerda ‘Einar did not kiss him, Lili did’. She seems completely unaware and uncaring of the emotional pain she is inflicting on those around her. Lili, who began with the full awareness of Gerda, begins hiding her activities from her, systematically shutting her out of her life. Her quest to rid herself of the ‘sickness’ that is her male physical body, becomes a self destructive terminus. 

 Gerda would drag Lili back to her over and over again, her love was overwhelming. But Lili had already separated Gerda along with Einar. Einar’s love for Gerda was not compatible with Lili.

  None of the trans people that I know have true split personalities. We do sometimes refer to our alter egos in the third person, but we know we are the same person. Our feelings for others do not change with our appearence. Divorce happens but being transgender is one of many factors not the root, and many transgenders remain happily married.

This Movie's portrayal of transgender is certainly a step up from the usual sex-worker role of previous cinema, but still is a limited view of what it means to be transgender. I fear it will do more to solidify the public image of us as mentally defective.

Body Language

They say a dog can sense your fear. They act accordingly, friendly if you are cool, aggressive if you fear. People are no different.

 Transgender is a scary thing. It’s scary for cis people because they don’t understand us, it’s scarier for us because we do. We know we are different, we need to do things society deems strange. We know we won't go unnoticed.

 Most of us spend years struggling with our feelings, keeping them carefully hidden from society, many of us will never stop hiding. But for some of us, the day will come when we emerge from our self imposed exile and step into the light of day.

 How does the dog ‘sense’ our fear? Smell? Mental telepathy? ...Body language, dogs, cats and many animals, communicate greatly by body language. We do it too, but just don’t think about it as much. If you approach a dog or cat, and their ears are upright, their eyes are open wide, they look up at you, you know they are receptive to approach. If their ears are folded low, eyes slits, head low, you know to stay back!

 When you start expressing yourself in public, remember this. As you are trying to blend in, hoping to go unnoticed, your actions can produce the opposite effect. Walking with your head down, shoulders slumped, averting the gaze of the crowd, you are showing your fear. People notice this, their reactions are just like the dogs, they become aggressive.

Loosen up, look people in the eyes, hold your head up. Your body language will do more to help you blend into society than clothes, makeup, or surgery.

Engage

Our wonderful friends in Houston Texas, having just proven themselves idiots, are pushing their stupidity further. They are now rerunning the ‘bathroom’ ad’s in an effort to prevent common sense from taking a hold on Houston.

Why do they do this? Fear, they don’t understand us so they fear us.

 There is only one way to alleviate this, educate them. And the best person to educate them? You of course, nobody understand you better than you. And I mean this for all of us, it is up to us to make the world better for ourselves, no one is going to do it for us.

There are some great examples today, famous people, but they are easily written off as the exception. We need everyday people, interacting with normal everyday transgender people before society will really understand.

 When I was a kid just going to school for the first time, my elementary school started it’s very first day of integration on my very first day of school. I always knew black kids. They were always there. So I always understood that they were no different than anyone else. Adults of the time, having lived a segregated live, were still convinced that they were different. Even though there were plenty of famous Black actors and sports stars. They considered them the exception.

 So what can you do? Go out and make yourself known. Be nice, be engaging, be friendly. My friends Aina & Heather are two of the nicest people you will ever find. No matter where we are, they are friendly, smiling and most importantly they engage the people around them. They talk to people, never shy, always forthcoming. They don’t look around for anyone disapproving, they assume that everyone is their friend. They completely charm every situation into submission.
Every where I go, I engage people. I never wait to see if they disapprove of me, I don’t just assume acceptance, I make it almost impossible not to. When people do show signs of questioning me I make it a point to engage them. 

The other day I needed to drop off a box at the post office. As usual, it was crowded. As I approached the head of the line, I noticed 3 women, waiting to the side of the line. The postal clerks called the two ahead of me, both bypassed the three women. When I took my position as the next in line, I asked the closest of the three if they were next, saying I did not want to cut in front of them. She replied that they were in a ‘special’ line to pick up packages. I replied ‘ I thought special lines were for people like me!’. This drew a smile and subdued laugh all three.   
Everyone we engage gets a little more understanding. They see transgender as normal people.

Their understanding grows a bit, their fear diminishes a bit.

Standards

There has been a lot of Caitlyn bashing of late. 

When she appeared at the Chicago House Speaker Series luncheon for the Chicago House, she was met by a group of angry protesters. The husband of slain police office returned her posthumous ‘Woman of the Year Award’ from Glamor magazine, because they awarded this year to Caitlyn. Rose McGowan has written and angry letter to her, saying she does not know what it’s like to be a woman.

First an Olympic hero, next the brow beaten husband of a reality show, then brave and courageous human, coming out as trans on national TV. Then she was the vivacious pinup cover of Vanity Fare, and star of her own reality show. Nowshe is the subject of public backlash.

Let’s look at this new turn of events. 

What were the protesters angry about? Caitlyn was not representative of Transgender people, she has too much money and her life is too easy. How about the Husband? He did not think Caitlyn was woman enough and tainted the award. And Rose McGowan, again Caitlyn is not woman enough for her definition.

So, according to the angry public at large, Caitlyn is both not trans enough and not woman enough. I have to ask what they want, for her to transition back and apologize for the whole thing?

Let’s start with the protesting trans. I’m sorry ladies, but your economic status is not a prerequisite to being transgender. I have trans friends that are poor, and have suffered. This is certainly a bad thing. I lead a comfortable life, does that preclude me from my feelings? Do I make too much money to be trans? Does my lack of suffering negate my lifelong desires? You are imposing an impossible set of standards and to be honest, just sound jealous. Get over it! Transgender is a non-discriminating condition. Anyone of any economic, religious or ethnic background can be trans. Stop the reverse discrimination, all of your lives would be worse without Caitlyn. She has dragged the public kicking and screaming into realization that we exist. And I am grateful.

James Smith, really? Glamor giving this award to Caitlyn has somehow changed the heroism of your wife? Did it change what she did on 9/11? Are you to judge the value of her honor on your opinion of every recipient in perpetuity? If next year it is awarded to someone you approve of, will you ask for it back? Your wife was a hero, you seem to be the kid that takes his ball home when things don’t go his way.

Finally Rose. Oh Rose, how I used to admire you. You were always my favorite in anything you appeared. But Really, Caitlyn does not know what it is like to be a woman? Of course not, but you have no idea what it’s like to be trans. To always look at women and wonder what the hell went wrong that stuck you on the wrong side of the gender fence. Watching others wear the things you longed to wear, doing the things you wanted to do. I would venture a guess that Caitlyn has spend far more time in her life contemplating what it means to be a woman than you ever have. She dreamed about all the things that you take for granted. 

Does Caitlyn have her flaws? Absolutely. 

'Let they without sin, be the first to cast stones. '