par·a·noi·a - /perəˈnoiə/ - noun

Conspiracy Agendas: see paranoia

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I recently got a new client for my consulting business. They are a large organization with branches in Rome, London, Berlin and somewhere they just refer to as ’51’. I thought they were referring to 51st in New York, but they say it’s out west somewhere.

 They have not said what the actual name of the organization is and their business cards read simply ‘Control Everything’, catchy but a bit ominous.

 Not even real sure where I’m working, they pick me up in a big black Escalade. They really went overboard on the window tint, I can’t see a thing through the windows.

 They seem nice and even offer free lunch. No one seems to go out for lunch, but thats OK, the cafeteria offers a nice selection of genetically modified food.

 They have me working with their ‘Transgender Agenda’. My job is to help shape policy and they have given me access to data collected from other divisions. I can see that their success rate has varied over the years.

 For example the ‘Anti-Slave Agenda’ managed to mostly stop the practice of just capturing humans and calling them your slave. Now you have to do it financially . But the ‘Black Agenda’ has left large potions of the population still not black. Same is true with the ‘Gay Agenda', many of those damn heterosexuals just won't change.

 I think it was their recent defeat in Houston that caused them to look for some outside ideas. They already are doing a good job of slipping hormones into unsuspecting places, like milk, GNO’s and most fast food. Being a computer nerd I have suggested replacing malware ads with links to sissy hypnosis sites. This could soften up a place like Houston before attempting another run at their agenda. 

They certainly have their job cut out for them. Maintaining public secrecy for such a large organization while constantly manipulating the whole world is a big job. But they are well funded and have had centuries of experience hiding in plane sight.

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😉
 

And the backlash begins

Unless you are a hermit, or just living under a rock, you have heard that the good people of Houston have had the wool pulled over their eyes. 

A few far right, paranoid individuals mounted a smear campaign of fear. Telling the populous that to deny their god given right to discriminate would result in their wives and children being attacked....in the bathroom. They campaigned on the premise that the anti-discrimination bill was all about letting perverted men into women's bathrooms and children's locker rooms.

This is a tried and true way to manipulate the public. It's been used against women, blacks, substances, and religions just to name a few. I'm old enough to remember when blacks needed their own bathroom because, well anything else would result in....you guessed it, wives and children being attacked. Marijuana was going to cause 'madness' in anyone who tried it, again causing danger for your wives and children.

Fear drives the human race. They say that greed is a great motivator, but it pails in comparison to fear. There is nothing that the human species will not do when afraid. 

What is the answer? Simple, education. the fundamental opposite to fear is knowledge.

Example: I grew up in a small neighborhood cut into several hundred acres of woods. There were all kinds of varmints, including snakes. My mother feared that I would encounter a venomous snake and get hurt, so she taught me to tell one snake from another. I could, and still can, determine if a snake can hurt me from a dozen paces. So when I encountered a snake as a child with my friends, they did not scare me. My friends would sometimes almost kill themselves trying to run away in a blind panic. For the record there are between 150 & 200 species of snakes in Texas,... 4 are venomous.

If the people of Houston were more educated on the subject of transgender, the vote would have never gone the way it did. If they were just more educated on their existing laws the results would have been in our favor. It's already illegal to attack another person, but in Houston it also illegal to do anything in a public bathroom except use the facilities. So this imagined pervert, would have had to be willing to break two existing laws, but would be stopped by the third one prohibiting them from entering a bathroom of a gender they were not assigned at birth.

This is absolutely crazy. In the 'Bat-shit crazy' category.

So what can we do? Educate. Every time you go out, show people that you are normal, sane, pleasant people. Be an ambassador for us all. Show the world that we are not the perverts that the Houston few have presented us as.

People

I love people, human beings. It's easy to have a dark view of humanity.  But that is only because bad things tend to out-weight good things in our select attention.

But when you take the time to count the good vs the bad, good always wins. Numerically if not in scale.

Today was a rainy, windy day.  If I was a character in the Winnie-the-Pooh books, I would say it was a blustery day. So I decided to go to the mall. I wanted to have the artists at the MAC store recommend a lipstick color, and then maybe I would just shop. 

I was greeted at the MAC store by a guy in 'day of the dead' makeup. Halloween is tomorrow, so this was not unusual. I told him what I wanted and his suggestions were spot on, going so far as to suggest a good blush , and then he worked on my eyes to make them 'POP'. His words. Needless to say I left the store looking fabulous, thanks to his skill. I also left a bit poorer, but it was worth it. His unconditional desire to make the best of me was overwhelming, and appreciated.

Just outside the store is a stand-alone Starbucks in a small courtyard. I can't resist a latte, so I headed straight for the line. While waiting for my turn, the woman in line behind me commened to me about the caramel chocolate squares in the pastry case. I responded and she engaged me in conversation. She quickly mentioned her partner, letting me know that she was a member of the LGBT community. We sat together, enjoying our coffee and each other. I spent over an hour taking about everything with someone who had very recently been a complete stranger. I kept thinking, 'I should go', then I thought 'what could possibly be better?' It was a wonderful way to spend the afternoon. I learned about her life, family, likes and dislikes and she mine.

When we finally parted, it was with a hug. Friends, even though we probably will never see each other again.

Next up was a local eatery that specializes in take home prepared gourmet food. There everyone was amazingly cheerful and helpful. When I checked out, the girl running the register commented positively and enthusiastically about my makeup.  I responded that I had just been to the MAC store and they had touched it up. Far better than I could, I did not add. We proceeded to have a conversation about her mom, the MAC store and the fun things in life. 

There was a time I would have never imagined going out as myself and not getting hurt. I have come to expect going out and no one objecting. Today I experienced going out and being befriended at every turn. 

I know the skeptics amoung you will say that the MAC employee and the checkout girl were just doing what they were paid for. They could have accomplished that task easily without the kindness and genuine connection they expressed.

And my Starbucks friend? She had no motivation other than spending time with a fellow human being that she could relate to.

Thank you humanity, for reminding me of how wonderful you can be.

Change

"Change is inevitable, change is constant." -Benjamin Disraeli, 1804-1881

“The only constant is change.” -Heraclitus, 535BC-475BC

Change is something that every transgender has thought about for most of their lives. It is something that we desire, but with an impossible trait.  We want it to be instant, which is inconsistent. And according to some philosophers, it can't be.

When I was a child, I thought up many scenarios that would bring about instant change in myself.  Just -Insert Scenario- and poof, I was a girl. There are endless stories, comics and videos that do the same thing: A man meets, and irritates a witch, so she turns him into a girl  -  A Scientific experiment gone wrong and the male scientist finds himself growing breasts. This one has many variations, but I always loved the poorly rated movie 'Dr. Jeckyll & Ms. Hyde'.  There are plenty of examples on the web. The central theme of these is inconsistent change. We are one thing and instantly, or almost, we become another.

The real world just does not work that way. Change is very often painfully slow. Evolution takes years, sometimes millions of years, to effect change. Humans did not crawl out of the sea and immediately stand on two legs. It took 16-17 million years for water to change a flat featureless landscape into the Grand Canyon. 

Day to day it's all but impossible to notice change, even when it exists. I see my same face in the mirror everyday, but it's changing, as is everyones. I'm trying to steer this change the direction I want. And through modern chemistry, it's slowly doing its job. This has forced me, an inpatient personality by nature, to embrace the benefits of patience.

When we change ourselves, the people around us see it as inconsistent. Here we are, looking and acting in what they consider a normal fashion, then suddenly we are radically different. Society is currently undergoing culture shock. A year ago transgender was an almost unknown phenomena, now it's common knowledge. Our spouses, children and friends have a mental image of who we always have been, and now it is inconsistent with who we are. Many of us are very lucky to be surrounded by intelligent, loving understanding people, and I count myself in this group. -I think my support group is the model by which all others should be judged.- But for many this is not the case.

 We, particularly in the trans community, need to keep this in mind. It applies to changing physically, changes in society, changes in laws, and most importantly in those we love. Be patient, not only with yourself, but with everything and everyone around you.

And remember that the only thing constant is change.

Luck

I'm a practicle, science based kind of girl. I don't believe in the supernatural, god or luck. And yet my life seems filled with luck.

Things go my way. I believe it's a positive attitude, always looking for the bright side of any situation, never the dark.

Some people equate money to luck, or vice versa. If you have money, you have luck. This is not really the case. At the risk of wearing you out on the subject, I'm going to cite Caitlyn Jenner.

Here is a woman with pretty much unlimited resources. All the best surgery and advice money can buy. She looks fabulous. Yet when I watch her show, I am disturbed by how she moves, how she sits, her mannerisms. They are all still male. She looks feminine, but acts masculine.

I have seen the same behavior many times with other trans I know. They do their very best to 'look' feminine, forgetting, or never realizing that your mannor counts as much as physical appearance.

This is where my luck once again appears. When I first came out, it was my oldest daughter who first embraced it whole-heartedly. She took me under her wing and gave me the foundation of feminine mannerisms that have shaped my post gender-non binary life. She taught me to walk, sit, sneeze, in short how to behave feminine. These lessons were invaluable and have boosted my already inflated ego. It was theses lessons that make my current life possible.

And while this,  on its own is amazing, she did this while battling, and conquering  severe OCD. She sufferes from bi-pilar disorder, recconized it herself and prompted her mother and myself to get her help. She taught me the fundimentals of feminity while suffering depression, and manc mood swings.

Luck? They say we create our own luck , and I certainly created mine, in the form of the most amazing daughter anyone could be lucky enough to have.

A day in the life...

I mentioned in my last post that I had been to the nail salon. Using the excuse of an upcoming halloween party, I got my nails done. You need to understand that I've spent the last couple of months building a massive flagstone patio..All those rock  have done a number on my nails. they were cracked, dirty and worn down to nothing. 

At the salon, I sat on one massage chair, my wife in another next to me. We chatted while four people worked us over. Each with our own pedicurist and manicurists  

Well its hard to pull off boy mode with red shiny nails out just past the tip of the finger. So I'm in a self-imposed girl mode only restriction, at least until after the party this weekend.

The nail salon was so nice that I decided to take care of another overdo project. I had purchase a new,  long lace wig a few months ago, intending to get it cut and styled. 

So today I made a call to  Toni & Guy, put on my face and a pair of heels and headed to my appointment.  My new stylist and I talked ideas and she went to work. The results were truly amazing. I have always just worn my hair however it came out of the box. Having one cut to match my features is a real step up. I felt so good that afterward I proceeded a department store and tried on a dozen outfits, just to see how I looked. 

I've gotten to the point where I am experiencing the day to day normality of female life. Sometimes normal feels really good.

Transgender Marketing 101

The second season of the Amazon show “Transparent” will be released in December. Monday the show creator Jill Soloway said that Caitlyn Jenner has had a big impact on the show. "I think we felt like once Caitlyn came out, America kind of had its Trans 101 education,”.

The food writer Jack Monroe first came out as transgender, then clarified to ‘gender non-binary’. A term that I embrace myself. Monroe cited Ruth Hunt and Ruby Rose as influential.

The American public has had a whirlwind of a transgender education this past year and a half. Beginning modestly with ‘Transparent’, The Caitlyn Jenner, TV shows, movies and articles popping up everywhere. 

Caitlyn introduced her female self to the world with a stunning Vanity Fair photo spread, looking fabulous. HBO introduced Ruby Rose to Americans in the very popular ‘Orange is the new black’

The message has been presented in it’s best possible light. The public has been presented with beauty and  wealth. Caitlyn was already wealthy and became very attractive. Ruby is alluring, beautiful and exotic. Ruth Hunt wealthy, and not unattractive. But what if the public got a different view? Replace Caitlyn in Vanity Fair with Milton Berle in drag. Ruby Rose is suddenly Roseanne Barr with a flat-top and cigar. Or how about Dianne Sawyer interviewing a homeless transgender straight off the street? The results would be, I think, quite different.

Please don’t think I don’t appreciate the way things have happened, I do. It’s has been such a wonderful thing for me and all my gender non-conforming brethren. But the public can be a fickle beast. We need to be mindful of the delicate transgender public marketing in place. There are a growing number of voices crying out that these celebrities do not, in fact, represent the Trans community. They are right of course, but do we really want the public to know this yet? 

And finally it sinks in

I've always felt a bit like a pretender. When I was a kid, I joined the YMCA basketball league because my best friend did. I neither knew, nor cared anything about basketball, but I pretended to.  At parties inevitably, I would have to talk football with other guys. Again a pretence of knowledge and care.

When I finally got the courage and support to express Jess, although good, it still felt like I was pretending. I pretended to be the person I knew I was inside, but I still felt like a fake.

I was a fake guy, and a fake girl, I knew this as fact. I was nothing, really.

Today was a new day. It was my birthday, and the best one ever. I woke up Jess. I got dressed Jess. I had lunch with my daughter, and I was Jess. I pad the bill, with a credit card with the name Jess on it. I shopped at a department store, used the fitting rooms for the first time as Jess. I had dinner with my other daughter and son-in-law, and I was Jess. 

All day It as 'miss', 'ma'am', and 'ladies'

My son-in-law gave me multiple hugs, in public.

Today, I am Jess, and I'm not pretending.

i think there comes a time in every trans, gender fluid, or whatever's, life when we have to understand that subtle shift from fantasy to reality. To know you are no longer just living in your own head, but living in the real world.

I crossed that line today.