Paradox

You know the Si-Fi time travel paradox? A man travels to the past and kills his own grandfather, So he is never born, So he can't go back and kill his grandfather, so he is born, etc. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Last night was my monthly get together with my GNO group (Girls Night Out). We pick a random place every month and have a fabulous time dining, drinking and talking.

This night started as usual, with me being extremely early. I asked for a table and was hit with the 'Do you have a reservation?' question. Of course not, we never do! I think the trans thing was working as they seemed nervous to turn me down and soon I was seated in this very busy and crowded restaurant. The waiter was courteous and used every female pronoun on me he could.

After a very short wait, I was joined by a few of the group. While waiting for the full group to arrive we were talking. One of my friends, a CIS girl,  looking at my top says 'Bra-less, I wish I could do that'. I realized that my breasts have actually grown to noticeable size. It was a very nice feeling. I can tell, but I did not think anyone else could.

 My legs have always been good, mostly due to lots of bicycling, but the rest of my figure is pretty bad. The addition of small, but noticeable breasts, along with some weight loss, have started my figure in the right direction. I can see a future where my figure is not entirely horrible.

But then I look at my hands, giant meat cleaver hands. Nothing will ever change them. It makes me wonder how I would have turned out had I started HRT in my teens. Instead of the psychiatric treatments and beatings my parents gave me. Neither of which worked, obviously.

But If I had, certainly my life would not have unfolded as it did. I would not have the love of my life (my wife), my two fantastic daughters, my son-in-law. In short my life would not be the wonderful thing that it is.

So that's the paradox.

 I guess I'll just have to learn to live with my hands! 

Wanderlust

When I was a teenager, like many I thought of adventure.  And I was lucky enough to have had a car and tolerant parents. I traveled about the state of Texas during my summers, often with a band of friends I met at a summer camp. We crashed at one anothers house, camped in our cars, slept on the beach in Galveston. It was great fun, and made us feel free.

I seem to have passed this along to my daughters, and my youngest especially. As a young teenager, she would listen to a particular song, one that I still have on my playlist. It speaks of getting away, taking the car and just driving. This was clearly on her mind. 

I think that many young people dream of this, but so often they get caught up in 'the real world', and settle down to job and obligations.

There is a line in the song that says 'put your money where your mouth is', and I am reminded of it today as I got a text from my little wanderer, a photo of her today at white sands, and another of her and her friend from Berlin. She is traveling to a concert somewhere in the western US desert, with this girl and 2 other friends. All four of the young adults met on other trips and became friends, The girls from Berlin was on a walkabout across the US that time.

Last year my daughter spend an entire month in Spain with a girl she met on-line through a photo site. Today she is on her third trip in so many months, all to the west coast. Flying to L.A. to help a friend drive to a new home in Seattle, or just to explore, again Seattle. 

I was proud of myself so many years ago for the experiences I gave myself on the road, but it pails in comparison to what my daughter is doing. She is most definitely proving that she is about far more than just dreaming.

You go girl, I'm so proud of you.

A happier note

Recent activities has placed me in judgement of a wide spectrum of humanity. I discovered that Berlin, Germany, is one of the most trans accepting cities in the world. I've been back to my family's favorite sushi place, back to my coffee house haunt, and picked up  take out from Pei Wei.

All these places have presented me with an overwhelming sense of acceptance . I revel in this feeling,

I have said it before, and will emphasize it again, I do not pass. Only a deaf blind person would come away mistaking my birth gender as female. But that does not matter, what matters is that I can present myself in the way I want, and be accepted for it.

I'm not trying to pretend to be a CIS woman, that's not me. I'm not even sure that i'm strictly trans, Gender fluid seems to fit better.

But the point of this is that I now live in a world where I can be me, here, there. In a car, and way away far. People are not trying to make me fit in a specific box. I'm free to be me, and that is just what we all really want.

The only thing we have to fear is......

I'm getting back to my normal schedule after a time away. First up was my weekly coffee with my best friend Izza. The world does not stand still for any man, trans or not, and a total remodel of our favorite coffee shop proves this.

It was great seeing my friend, and I could tell the feeling was mutual. We ran over the normal hour and a half by an hour. Needless to say, we had lots to talk about. She told me of the tragedies that befell her in my absence, and I regaled her of my adventures in Germany.

Our conversations are rarely inconsequential, and today was no exception. She is an immigrant, legal, but still an immigrant. While waiting on the great snail of our governmental process, her visa has expired. The INS is fully aware, and has extended her grace period to cover the delay, but still it's unsettling.

For those who know me personally, you know that I am a happy and self confident person who rarely knows the meaning of fear. But this is not her fortune. She now lives in fear of someone, anyone really, disliking her for any reason, and lighting a fire in the INS, resulting in her deportation.

She grew up in deep Mexico, trans, and survived. For such a petty thing as delayed paperwork to strike such fear in her life in unthinkable, yet real.

We all have known our share of fear. The very nature of trans means you grow to know fear. But that fear is really an intangible one. We fear being exposed, ostracized, or shunned. We fear violent repercussions, loss of family or job.

All these fears are applicable to most of us, but usually are way overblown. Most of these fears are self generated, something we finally understand after coming out. In 5 years I have yet to encounter a truly negative response. But I'm lucky.

Back to Izza, her fear is very real, very tangible. If she gets deported, she loses everything. Family, both wife & kids and Parents & siblings. Plus the real possibility of physical  violence and even death for being returned to her macho driven culture.

And through this all, she persist on telling me lithe good things that have happened to her while I was gone. She smiles and tells me how glad she is that I am back.

We need to keep perspective on how good we really have it. Make that your every day first thought, be thankful that we have so little to really be afraid of, compared to others.

Trans is a privilege not a problem, politics are a problem.

An unpopular point of view

As is often the case, something I saw today rang a chord with me, a correlation between one thing and another.

Human beings are much like flocking birds, when one turns the others follow. 

People may have opinions, and we speak these opinions loudly, and often, mostly in small settings. In large gatherings we strive to fit in. We follow the lead of the majority. We may not agree with the direction, but we follow none-the-less.

I blog often about the transgender spring that we now are experiencing, and am so excited about it. But something I saw today makes me put it into another perspective. We are here simply because the majority has moved it's direction to respect us. The majority of people are following this lead.

This seems to be a mute point, but it is not. We are here not because we as a people have come to a greater understanding, but because we are all simply following a lead. Celebrities have brought it to the attention of the media, the media has seen it as a way to make money, so it's in all the media. If it's in all the media we will all accept it as OK. 

Yes there will be those that disagree with it, but they will be a small struggling minority, barely heard. Today, as always, we can only effect change by altering the social perception. Once society believes a certain way, we will all follow. 

For me, this particular situation is great! I get to be myself without fear of repercussion.

But what was the thing that stimulated this understanding? Something wonderful or terrible?

I'm sorry to say that it was the latter. Today I visited Dachau.

Dachau....  The model for all Natzi era concentration camps. 

How can I compare these two things? I overheard a tour guide explaining that at the time these were not secret camps. Unlike the black ops camps operated by our government in their over zealous attempts to protect us from terrorists, these were public knowledge.

How could something as horrible as Dachau concentration camp be public knowledge? Why would the German public allow this to happen? They were in the pit of economic depression and this was presented as a way out financially. So when the majority went along with it, that was all it took.

How can I compare these two seemingly distinctly different situations? It boils down to human nature. The memorial to Dachau was presented as an educational experience so people would learn. But the reality is that we don't learn. We emulate what the majority of others do and let it go at that.

I'm a happy, positive person, but this experience has been a sobering one.

Ich bin ein Berliner!

Well, as most of you imagined, I had no reason at to be nervous. 

Last night was one of the most fun nights I have had. The hotel staff was absolutely wonderful, as was the taxi drivers and the club staff.

I was treated royally at the burlesque show and we ended up seated next to a group of young german girls there for a bachelorette party, abet without the bride! She apparently started a bit soon and remained at the hotel sleeping it off.

I sat next to a beautiful girl from Nuremburg, who translated almost the entire show for me. There were parts in English and I joked with her about me translating for her. Her english was better than mine. She gave us her number and told us to call her when we get to Nuremberg. Alas, she will not be there on the days we will, but I know it would have been fun.

I look forward to seeing how much fun Munich will be.

ciao 

Bold or stupid, you decide

I'm on to a new adventure tomorrow night, a burlesque show. 

Not that wild? No not normally, but I happen to be in East Berlin. Going out as Jess has me a little nervous. 

In the world of english speakers, I am fearless. I can talk my way into or out of most any situation. But here my grasp of the language is minimal. I speak very little Deutsch and understand even less when it's spoken.

If you happen to be in the neighbor tomorrow night, pop in and looks for the blonde American and say hi.  http://www.kleine-nachtrevue.de/290815-1922-burlesque-taenze-des-lasters.html

Wish me luck, ciao!

A night at the museum

Izza and I went to a museum downtown tonight, the one my daughter works for. it was 'Late night' and they were open until midnight.

We arrived early as we tend to do. My daughter was pleased to see us as she wanted to introduce us to her co-workers. she has told them all about us and they were interested in seeing us firsthand. From all appearances we did not disappoint.

Later as we were taking in the art, a woman approached and asked if she could speak with us. Saying she hoped not to offend, but wanted to know how we (Izza and I) had met? Turns out her ex-husband is transgender and was having a hard time connecting with the community. We were glad to help and had a very pleasant conversation with her.

This encounter serves to remind me that not all of us are so lucky. We both know many other trans girls, and we have found a best friend in one another. We don't have to go through the trials and tribulations of being trans alone, and that is a really big thing.

She would have never found us if we confined our activities to LGBT places. For people to se us for who we are, we have to go where they are, the places so many of don't consider 'safe'..

The more we are out the more we are seen, and the more we are seen, the more common place we become. And in our case, common place is a good thing.