15 minutes...

I don’t remember exactly when I heard the Andy Warhol quote “Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes”, but I was young. It seemed really nice to think that everyone would be included.

Another saying that has stuck with me is ‘I have nothing to hide’, but never knew where it originated.

In most lives there are times when you worry about what people think about you, or what knowledge of you they may gain. I would get through these moments by thinking ‘I have nothing to hide’. But for years that was not true. When these thoughts entered my mind, a black cloud would reach down and wrench my gut. I knew inside I was different, and was sure that it would be the death of me if discovered.

Last week, my 15 minute clock started ticking, and the most ironic thing about it is that what had tormented me before, became that thing that started it.

The world press jumped on my story, news sites and radio stations around the globe covered my coming out as transgender.

What is amazing about all this is not who talked about me, but what the people who heard the story said back.

“Hello Mayor Jess, I just wanted to add my voice to the thousands that are offering their gratitude and support for your coming out announcement and COURAGE.”

“Your decision to come out to your constituents was very brave and also validating to others in the LGBTQ community. My adolescent clients, in particular, were excited and inspired by your story. Hope is needed in these dark times.”

(sic)“I’m a Turkish man from Istanbul… I support you. Also I proud of your family. Thank you for explain your truths. We need  people like you in the world.”

(sic)“Mayor Herbst, your willingness to be visible about her gender identity really will give hope to countless people, particularly young people, that you can be transgender and be yourself and have a successful and productive life.”

“I want to let you know, you have brought joy to the mother of a trans daughter in Collin county.  Support and Love go out to you!”

“I only hope that your grandchildren grow up in a world where gender identity is a non-issue that requires no courage, that one can simply be. Diversity is what makes America the magnificent place it is!”

There have been thousands of these, from all over the world.

So all that time I feared the worst if people knew I was trans, that was just me underestimating the love, kindness and understanding of humanity.

Whirlwind

My world changed this week, the daily routines wiped away.

I've suspected that making myself public would at least raise a few eyebrows, I vastly underestimated.

Before my first town meeting as myself, I get a text. "You made the news!" It read, with a link to a Texas Observer article. That article began to multiply and spread across the unbounded internet.

The last two days I, my wife and my daughter have been surrounded by cameras and microphones.

And the messages pour in. They are all so amazingly uplifting. Many come from other transgenders, many from parents, siblings and spouses of transgenders. Many profess to have no understanding of transgender issues but still offer support and acceptance. Too numerous for response. I want to say to all of you, Thank you, your words are very much appreciated.

Have there been detractors? Of course. Humans are all unique, and unique does not always go well together.

But the ratio is 100s to one, and those are odds easy to live with.

.

Truth

In this time in history where truth seems to be nothing more than a fleeting thought, something to give little notice to, I must stand by the truth, because nothing is more important in reality.
 My 15 minutes of fame began today, Thank you Andy Warhol for that quote. An hour before I made my first appearance as Mayor Jess, and article appeared in the 'Texas Observer'. It was written without yet speaking to me or clarification.
 While it was a wonderful well written article, it opened with a glaring untruth.
It said at was elected mayor, I was not.
 Last year I ran for my alderman seat, a seat that also included road commissioner and mayor pro-tem. The mayor at the time ran against and new comer in town. 
 The mayor suffered a heart attack after the cutoff for filing for election and passed away days before the election. He still won. That left the council without a mayor. As a Class B town under Texas general law, the council was compelled to appoint a new mayor. As the longest serving alderman, road commissioner and Mayor Pro-ten, they appointed me.
 So I am not the first elected transgender mayor in Texas, just the first seated transgender mayor on record.

Pronouns

When one decides to transition, the reactions of your family, friends and co-workers weighs heavily on your mind. You play out various scenarios in your head of how things will go, but you never get what you expect.

I transitioned at work several months ago and things have settled down into a routine. I originally thought that the hard part for my co-workers would be adjusting to my new appearance. This they have all taken in stride and seem not to give it a second thought.

 My name change came quickly and apparently easily for them. I suspect some instruction from administration, but can’t confirm it. Rarely, if ever, does anyone call me Jeff.

Pronouns are a completely different story, he, she, him & her are intersperse throughout almost every conversation. Yesterday I was working with a colleague. He was on the phone with another co-worker needing help with several wireless microphones. I’m the engineer so this is my realm. The conversation goes like this; “Jess is here with me, he can help you, want her to come down?” I’m watching his face and you can see he has no idea he has mixed genders repeatedly in his sentence.

              die Tür

Pronouns seem to be something especially hard for people. Maybe it’s just english speakers as we have a very solid binary language. In english people are either masculine or feminine, objects are nothing. When I studied German, it was the gender of everything that I found the most difficult. German has masculine, Feminine and neuter for everything. So you not only had to learn the name of something but also it’s gender. “Let’s see is the door male, female or neuter?” 

Why are these changes so difficult? It seems to me that the language portion of our brain works mostly from memory. It always racing ahead of your mouth in an attempt to supply the words. It relies on not only newly generated thought, but also on past verbalizations. -‘What phrases have I used before that worked in this situation?’ ‘Is there an standard response available?’- When someone says ‘Thank you’, the words ‘Your welcome’ form without much thought, you have responded with that phrase many times before.

For the people I have known for many years, there are tons of memories where the pronoun was always male and it will take much time to add the necessary new memories.

I’m kind of like the door in German, only they all learned it as masculine, only to find out later it was feminine all along.

Not so instant

As a child I imagined every possible scenario that would change my gender. They all had one thing in common. They were almost instant. With little variation I would be male one day and female the next.

When I was old enough to read about transitioning, the part about living full time as a reqauirement was alway a bit scary. It seemed that you had to start living as female without any training or practice.

Now that reality has set in, I understand that like all things, transition is a long slow process.

It took me 50 years do even leave the house dressed as a female. Another 6 to decide that I wanted it to be permanent. Two years after starting HRT, I have finally made myself known to everyone in my life.

So, I made it, but there was nothing instant about it!

New Year, big changes.

Happy New Year!

  I begin the new year letting go of some important things. First up is the pseudonym I have used for years. ‘Haust’ is gone, the family name I was born with is ‘Herbst’ and from now on, Jess Herbst it is! Jess is still not official in the eyes of the law, but we will deal with that later.

Also for 2017 presenting as male is, gone, gone, gone. The last people that needed telling have been told, and I cleared my closet of male clothes. Bye Bye safety net.

 I have big plans for the coming year and I hope to blog more often, time will tell. I will leave you with a promise for something big later this month.

Jess Herbst

A change for the better

I have not written a blog a quite a while, several months. I hope this does not regulate my link to the recycle bin on your phone/tablet/computer.

Life has been a whirlwind of change during this time and I am going to try and share some of it with you. Unlike most of my blogs, there is no point, no theme to these writings, just an accounting of my time.

Until this summer I was at best a part time person. I kept my male persona for work, local politics, most day to day business and shopping. I if had to guess I would say my time was 70% male, 30% female. Meaning my presentation, I have always been the same person inside, but it is important to me that people perceive me as I perceive myself, so my presentation we very important.

The year began with a local political upset that ended up with me as Mayor of my small town. Nothing I had planned or strived for, but in the circumstances it is the right thing to do for my town.

Late summer was finally the European vacation we had been planning for almost a year. 3 weeks of pure bliss. I made a gamble and packed more female clothes than male and it worked out amazingly well. Basically the male clothes served coming and going so I would more closely match my passport.

 Early fall found me at work, unable to stop myself from telling everyone I work with that I was Trans. Their immediate acceptance and overall enthusiasm were startling. The very next day HR was happy to update my name and photo for myID badge. I have not been back in male disguises since.

 The town is next on the list and I have come out to a couple of councilmen, the town attorney & staff and a few key people in the town. Again everyone was immediately accepting.

 Finally the small rift I felt between my brothers and their kids has been mended thanks to the actions of my wonderful niece-in-law.

 I just spent a fantastic weekend getaway with my wife, did not even bother with packing male clothes. 

 I now spend almost all my time as myself and it feels so nice. 

When I think of all the years I worried, all the imagined problems I would face, how much I failed to understand real public reception, I can’t believe how long I held myself back.

 That’s it, I’m now at a new stage in my life. I have moved on to a whole new way of living, let’s hope it gives me wonderful insight and things to write about.

Milestone

Life as a transgender is full wants and desires that seemingly never happen. HRT is a slow creature that appears, on a daily basis, to be doing nothing.
 Then one day, you realize you have changed. You don't know when, it wasn't yesterday, or the day before. Little by little, minute changes happen, one on top of another until they become obvious.
 

I still have a few times in my life that require people to perceive the old me, the male me. At first I would just sort through my closet for bigger shirts, not shave for a couple of days. It was working well. Of late I have to buy much bigger shirts and make sure to hide things.
 4 days of not shaving produces hairs that I can see, and certainly show up with makeup applied, but i'm no Don Johnson, and to anyone more than a few inches away, I'm clean shaven.
 When I first came out, presenting as female was a long complicated affair involving girdles, breast forms, other padding, dresses, hose and heels. Now its a pair of cut-offs and a T-Shirt.
 In short, it has now become the male presentation that requires work to pull off.
 I still have a long way to go, but I have definitely passed a big milestone on the journey.