Off Target

I attended an advanced screening of ‘The Danish Girl’ last night, a movie highly anticipated in the trans community. It's the story of the first person to undergo sexual reassignment surgery, played by oscar winner Eddie Redmayne.

 The film is beautifully crafted. The sets, wardrobes and locations espouse authenticism. Eddie Redmayne plays Einar Wegener and Alicia Vikander portrays Gerda, his wife. They pour their heart and soul into the roles and produce emotions that explode from the screen and engulf the audience.

 I found it hard to watch. Dysphoria is present in all transgender lives, but Redmayne's portrayal is on the extreme side, giving Einar’s pain a life of it’s own. When Einar begins to express Lili, his female side, he not only loses sight of Einar, but exhibits split personality.

 Lili believes herself to be completely independent of Einar and therefore not subject to any of his obligations. When confronted about a kiss shared between Lili and Henrik, Lili tells Gerda ‘Einar did not kiss him, Lili did’. She seems completely unaware and uncaring of the emotional pain she is inflicting on those around her. Lili, who began with the full awareness of Gerda, begins hiding her activities from her, systematically shutting her out of her life. Her quest to rid herself of the ‘sickness’ that is her male physical body, becomes a self destructive terminus. 

 Gerda would drag Lili back to her over and over again, her love was overwhelming. But Lili had already separated Gerda along with Einar. Einar’s love for Gerda was not compatible with Lili.

  None of the trans people that I know have true split personalities. We do sometimes refer to our alter egos in the third person, but we know we are the same person. Our feelings for others do not change with our appearence. Divorce happens but being transgender is one of many factors not the root, and many transgenders remain happily married.

This Movie's portrayal of transgender is certainly a step up from the usual sex-worker role of previous cinema, but still is a limited view of what it means to be transgender. I fear it will do more to solidify the public image of us as mentally defective.

Body Language

They say a dog can sense your fear. They act accordingly, friendly if you are cool, aggressive if you fear. People are no different.

 Transgender is a scary thing. It’s scary for cis people because they don’t understand us, it’s scarier for us because we do. We know we are different, we need to do things society deems strange. We know we won't go unnoticed.

 Most of us spend years struggling with our feelings, keeping them carefully hidden from society, many of us will never stop hiding. But for some of us, the day will come when we emerge from our self imposed exile and step into the light of day.

 How does the dog ‘sense’ our fear? Smell? Mental telepathy? ...Body language, dogs, cats and many animals, communicate greatly by body language. We do it too, but just don’t think about it as much. If you approach a dog or cat, and their ears are upright, their eyes are open wide, they look up at you, you know they are receptive to approach. If their ears are folded low, eyes slits, head low, you know to stay back!

 When you start expressing yourself in public, remember this. As you are trying to blend in, hoping to go unnoticed, your actions can produce the opposite effect. Walking with your head down, shoulders slumped, averting the gaze of the crowd, you are showing your fear. People notice this, their reactions are just like the dogs, they become aggressive.

Loosen up, look people in the eyes, hold your head up. Your body language will do more to help you blend into society than clothes, makeup, or surgery.

Engage

Our wonderful friends in Houston Texas, having just proven themselves idiots, are pushing their stupidity further. They are now rerunning the ‘bathroom’ ad’s in an effort to prevent common sense from taking a hold on Houston.

Why do they do this? Fear, they don’t understand us so they fear us.

 There is only one way to alleviate this, educate them. And the best person to educate them? You of course, nobody understand you better than you. And I mean this for all of us, it is up to us to make the world better for ourselves, no one is going to do it for us.

There are some great examples today, famous people, but they are easily written off as the exception. We need everyday people, interacting with normal everyday transgender people before society will really understand.

 When I was a kid just going to school for the first time, my elementary school started it’s very first day of integration on my very first day of school. I always knew black kids. They were always there. So I always understood that they were no different than anyone else. Adults of the time, having lived a segregated live, were still convinced that they were different. Even though there were plenty of famous Black actors and sports stars. They considered them the exception.

 So what can you do? Go out and make yourself known. Be nice, be engaging, be friendly. My friends Aina & Heather are two of the nicest people you will ever find. No matter where we are, they are friendly, smiling and most importantly they engage the people around them. They talk to people, never shy, always forthcoming. They don’t look around for anyone disapproving, they assume that everyone is their friend. They completely charm every situation into submission.
Every where I go, I engage people. I never wait to see if they disapprove of me, I don’t just assume acceptance, I make it almost impossible not to. When people do show signs of questioning me I make it a point to engage them. 

The other day I needed to drop off a box at the post office. As usual, it was crowded. As I approached the head of the line, I noticed 3 women, waiting to the side of the line. The postal clerks called the two ahead of me, both bypassed the three women. When I took my position as the next in line, I asked the closest of the three if they were next, saying I did not want to cut in front of them. She replied that they were in a ‘special’ line to pick up packages. I replied ‘ I thought special lines were for people like me!’. This drew a smile and subdued laugh all three.   
Everyone we engage gets a little more understanding. They see transgender as normal people.

Their understanding grows a bit, their fear diminishes a bit.

Standards

There has been a lot of Caitlyn bashing of late. 

When she appeared at the Chicago House Speaker Series luncheon for the Chicago House, she was met by a group of angry protesters. The husband of slain police office returned her posthumous ‘Woman of the Year Award’ from Glamor magazine, because they awarded this year to Caitlyn. Rose McGowan has written and angry letter to her, saying she does not know what it’s like to be a woman.

First an Olympic hero, next the brow beaten husband of a reality show, then brave and courageous human, coming out as trans on national TV. Then she was the vivacious pinup cover of Vanity Fare, and star of her own reality show. Nowshe is the subject of public backlash.

Let’s look at this new turn of events. 

What were the protesters angry about? Caitlyn was not representative of Transgender people, she has too much money and her life is too easy. How about the Husband? He did not think Caitlyn was woman enough and tainted the award. And Rose McGowan, again Caitlyn is not woman enough for her definition.

So, according to the angry public at large, Caitlyn is both not trans enough and not woman enough. I have to ask what they want, for her to transition back and apologize for the whole thing?

Let’s start with the protesting trans. I’m sorry ladies, but your economic status is not a prerequisite to being transgender. I have trans friends that are poor, and have suffered. This is certainly a bad thing. I lead a comfortable life, does that preclude me from my feelings? Do I make too much money to be trans? Does my lack of suffering negate my lifelong desires? You are imposing an impossible set of standards and to be honest, just sound jealous. Get over it! Transgender is a non-discriminating condition. Anyone of any economic, religious or ethnic background can be trans. Stop the reverse discrimination, all of your lives would be worse without Caitlyn. She has dragged the public kicking and screaming into realization that we exist. And I am grateful.

James Smith, really? Glamor giving this award to Caitlyn has somehow changed the heroism of your wife? Did it change what she did on 9/11? Are you to judge the value of her honor on your opinion of every recipient in perpetuity? If next year it is awarded to someone you approve of, will you ask for it back? Your wife was a hero, you seem to be the kid that takes his ball home when things don’t go his way.

Finally Rose. Oh Rose, how I used to admire you. You were always my favorite in anything you appeared. But Really, Caitlyn does not know what it is like to be a woman? Of course not, but you have no idea what it’s like to be trans. To always look at women and wonder what the hell went wrong that stuck you on the wrong side of the gender fence. Watching others wear the things you longed to wear, doing the things you wanted to do. I would venture a guess that Caitlyn has spend far more time in her life contemplating what it means to be a woman than you ever have. She dreamed about all the things that you take for granted. 

Does Caitlyn have her flaws? Absolutely. 

'Let they without sin, be the first to cast stones. '

par·a·noi·a - /perəˈnoiə/ - noun

Conspiracy Agendas: see paranoia

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I recently got a new client for my consulting business. They are a large organization with branches in Rome, London, Berlin and somewhere they just refer to as ’51’. I thought they were referring to 51st in New York, but they say it’s out west somewhere.

 They have not said what the actual name of the organization is and their business cards read simply ‘Control Everything’, catchy but a bit ominous.

 Not even real sure where I’m working, they pick me up in a big black Escalade. They really went overboard on the window tint, I can’t see a thing through the windows.

 They seem nice and even offer free lunch. No one seems to go out for lunch, but thats OK, the cafeteria offers a nice selection of genetically modified food.

 They have me working with their ‘Transgender Agenda’. My job is to help shape policy and they have given me access to data collected from other divisions. I can see that their success rate has varied over the years.

 For example the ‘Anti-Slave Agenda’ managed to mostly stop the practice of just capturing humans and calling them your slave. Now you have to do it financially . But the ‘Black Agenda’ has left large potions of the population still not black. Same is true with the ‘Gay Agenda', many of those damn heterosexuals just won't change.

 I think it was their recent defeat in Houston that caused them to look for some outside ideas. They already are doing a good job of slipping hormones into unsuspecting places, like milk, GNO’s and most fast food. Being a computer nerd I have suggested replacing malware ads with links to sissy hypnosis sites. This could soften up a place like Houston before attempting another run at their agenda. 

They certainly have their job cut out for them. Maintaining public secrecy for such a large organization while constantly manipulating the whole world is a big job. But they are well funded and have had centuries of experience hiding in plane sight.

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😉
 

And the backlash begins

Unless you are a hermit, or just living under a rock, you have heard that the good people of Houston have had the wool pulled over their eyes. 

A few far right, paranoid individuals mounted a smear campaign of fear. Telling the populous that to deny their god given right to discriminate would result in their wives and children being attacked....in the bathroom. They campaigned on the premise that the anti-discrimination bill was all about letting perverted men into women's bathrooms and children's locker rooms.

This is a tried and true way to manipulate the public. It's been used against women, blacks, substances, and religions just to name a few. I'm old enough to remember when blacks needed their own bathroom because, well anything else would result in....you guessed it, wives and children being attacked. Marijuana was going to cause 'madness' in anyone who tried it, again causing danger for your wives and children.

Fear drives the human race. They say that greed is a great motivator, but it pails in comparison to fear. There is nothing that the human species will not do when afraid. 

What is the answer? Simple, education. the fundamental opposite to fear is knowledge.

Example: I grew up in a small neighborhood cut into several hundred acres of woods. There were all kinds of varmints, including snakes. My mother feared that I would encounter a venomous snake and get hurt, so she taught me to tell one snake from another. I could, and still can, determine if a snake can hurt me from a dozen paces. So when I encountered a snake as a child with my friends, they did not scare me. My friends would sometimes almost kill themselves trying to run away in a blind panic. For the record there are between 150 & 200 species of snakes in Texas,... 4 are venomous.

If the people of Houston were more educated on the subject of transgender, the vote would have never gone the way it did. If they were just more educated on their existing laws the results would have been in our favor. It's already illegal to attack another person, but in Houston it also illegal to do anything in a public bathroom except use the facilities. So this imagined pervert, would have had to be willing to break two existing laws, but would be stopped by the third one prohibiting them from entering a bathroom of a gender they were not assigned at birth.

This is absolutely crazy. In the 'Bat-shit crazy' category.

So what can we do? Educate. Every time you go out, show people that you are normal, sane, pleasant people. Be an ambassador for us all. Show the world that we are not the perverts that the Houston few have presented us as.

People

I love people, human beings. It's easy to have a dark view of humanity.  But that is only because bad things tend to out-weight good things in our select attention.

But when you take the time to count the good vs the bad, good always wins. Numerically if not in scale.

Today was a rainy, windy day.  If I was a character in the Winnie-the-Pooh books, I would say it was a blustery day. So I decided to go to the mall. I wanted to have the artists at the MAC store recommend a lipstick color, and then maybe I would just shop. 

I was greeted at the MAC store by a guy in 'day of the dead' makeup. Halloween is tomorrow, so this was not unusual. I told him what I wanted and his suggestions were spot on, going so far as to suggest a good blush , and then he worked on my eyes to make them 'POP'. His words. Needless to say I left the store looking fabulous, thanks to his skill. I also left a bit poorer, but it was worth it. His unconditional desire to make the best of me was overwhelming, and appreciated.

Just outside the store is a stand-alone Starbucks in a small courtyard. I can't resist a latte, so I headed straight for the line. While waiting for my turn, the woman in line behind me commened to me about the caramel chocolate squares in the pastry case. I responded and she engaged me in conversation. She quickly mentioned her partner, letting me know that she was a member of the LGBT community. We sat together, enjoying our coffee and each other. I spent over an hour taking about everything with someone who had very recently been a complete stranger. I kept thinking, 'I should go', then I thought 'what could possibly be better?' It was a wonderful way to spend the afternoon. I learned about her life, family, likes and dislikes and she mine.

When we finally parted, it was with a hug. Friends, even though we probably will never see each other again.

Next up was a local eatery that specializes in take home prepared gourmet food. There everyone was amazingly cheerful and helpful. When I checked out, the girl running the register commented positively and enthusiastically about my makeup.  I responded that I had just been to the MAC store and they had touched it up. Far better than I could, I did not add. We proceeded to have a conversation about her mom, the MAC store and the fun things in life. 

There was a time I would have never imagined going out as myself and not getting hurt. I have come to expect going out and no one objecting. Today I experienced going out and being befriended at every turn. 

I know the skeptics amoung you will say that the MAC employee and the checkout girl were just doing what they were paid for. They could have accomplished that task easily without the kindness and genuine connection they expressed.

And my Starbucks friend? She had no motivation other than spending time with a fellow human being that she could relate to.

Thank you humanity, for reminding me of how wonderful you can be.

Change

"Change is inevitable, change is constant." -Benjamin Disraeli, 1804-1881

“The only constant is change.” -Heraclitus, 535BC-475BC

Change is something that every transgender has thought about for most of their lives. It is something that we desire, but with an impossible trait.  We want it to be instant, which is inconsistent. And according to some philosophers, it can't be.

When I was a child, I thought up many scenarios that would bring about instant change in myself.  Just -Insert Scenario- and poof, I was a girl. There are endless stories, comics and videos that do the same thing: A man meets, and irritates a witch, so she turns him into a girl  -  A Scientific experiment gone wrong and the male scientist finds himself growing breasts. This one has many variations, but I always loved the poorly rated movie 'Dr. Jeckyll & Ms. Hyde'.  There are plenty of examples on the web. The central theme of these is inconsistent change. We are one thing and instantly, or almost, we become another.

The real world just does not work that way. Change is very often painfully slow. Evolution takes years, sometimes millions of years, to effect change. Humans did not crawl out of the sea and immediately stand on two legs. It took 16-17 million years for water to change a flat featureless landscape into the Grand Canyon. 

Day to day it's all but impossible to notice change, even when it exists. I see my same face in the mirror everyday, but it's changing, as is everyones. I'm trying to steer this change the direction I want. And through modern chemistry, it's slowly doing its job. This has forced me, an inpatient personality by nature, to embrace the benefits of patience.

When we change ourselves, the people around us see it as inconsistent. Here we are, looking and acting in what they consider a normal fashion, then suddenly we are radically different. Society is currently undergoing culture shock. A year ago transgender was an almost unknown phenomena, now it's common knowledge. Our spouses, children and friends have a mental image of who we always have been, and now it is inconsistent with who we are. Many of us are very lucky to be surrounded by intelligent, loving understanding people, and I count myself in this group. -I think my support group is the model by which all others should be judged.- But for many this is not the case.

 We, particularly in the trans community, need to keep this in mind. It applies to changing physically, changes in society, changes in laws, and most importantly in those we love. Be patient, not only with yourself, but with everything and everyone around you.

And remember that the only thing constant is change.