Luck

I'm a practicle, science based kind of girl. I don't believe in the supernatural, god or luck. And yet my life seems filled with luck.

Things go my way. I believe it's a positive attitude, always looking for the bright side of any situation, never the dark.

Some people equate money to luck, or vice versa. If you have money, you have luck. This is not really the case. At the risk of wearing you out on the subject, I'm going to cite Caitlyn Jenner.

Here is a woman with pretty much unlimited resources. All the best surgery and advice money can buy. She looks fabulous. Yet when I watch her show, I am disturbed by how she moves, how she sits, her mannerisms. They are all still male. She looks feminine, but acts masculine.

I have seen the same behavior many times with other trans I know. They do their very best to 'look' feminine, forgetting, or never realizing that your mannor counts as much as physical appearance.

This is where my luck once again appears. When I first came out, it was my oldest daughter who first embraced it whole-heartedly. She took me under her wing and gave me the foundation of feminine mannerisms that have shaped my post gender-non binary life. She taught me to walk, sit, sneeze, in short how to behave feminine. These lessons were invaluable and have boosted my already inflated ego. It was theses lessons that make my current life possible.

And while this,  on its own is amazing, she did this while battling, and conquering  severe OCD. She sufferes from bi-pilar disorder, recconized it herself and prompted her mother and myself to get her help. She taught me the fundimentals of feminity while suffering depression, and manc mood swings.

Luck? They say we create our own luck , and I certainly created mine, in the form of the most amazing daughter anyone could be lucky enough to have.

A day in the life...

I mentioned in my last post that I had been to the nail salon. Using the excuse of an upcoming halloween party, I got my nails done. You need to understand that I've spent the last couple of months building a massive flagstone patio..All those rock  have done a number on my nails. they were cracked, dirty and worn down to nothing. 

At the salon, I sat on one massage chair, my wife in another next to me. We chatted while four people worked us over. Each with our own pedicurist and manicurists  

Well its hard to pull off boy mode with red shiny nails out just past the tip of the finger. So I'm in a self-imposed girl mode only restriction, at least until after the party this weekend.

The nail salon was so nice that I decided to take care of another overdo project. I had purchase a new,  long lace wig a few months ago, intending to get it cut and styled. 

So today I made a call to  Toni & Guy, put on my face and a pair of heels and headed to my appointment.  My new stylist and I talked ideas and she went to work. The results were truly amazing. I have always just worn my hair however it came out of the box. Having one cut to match my features is a real step up. I felt so good that afterward I proceeded a department store and tried on a dozen outfits, just to see how I looked. 

I've gotten to the point where I am experiencing the day to day normality of female life. Sometimes normal feels really good.

Transgender Marketing 101

The second season of the Amazon show “Transparent” will be released in December. Monday the show creator Jill Soloway said that Caitlyn Jenner has had a big impact on the show. "I think we felt like once Caitlyn came out, America kind of had its Trans 101 education,”.

The food writer Jack Monroe first came out as transgender, then clarified to ‘gender non-binary’. A term that I embrace myself. Monroe cited Ruth Hunt and Ruby Rose as influential.

The American public has had a whirlwind of a transgender education this past year and a half. Beginning modestly with ‘Transparent’, The Caitlyn Jenner, TV shows, movies and articles popping up everywhere. 

Caitlyn introduced her female self to the world with a stunning Vanity Fair photo spread, looking fabulous. HBO introduced Ruby Rose to Americans in the very popular ‘Orange is the new black’

The message has been presented in it’s best possible light. The public has been presented with beauty and  wealth. Caitlyn was already wealthy and became very attractive. Ruby is alluring, beautiful and exotic. Ruth Hunt wealthy, and not unattractive. But what if the public got a different view? Replace Caitlyn in Vanity Fair with Milton Berle in drag. Ruby Rose is suddenly Roseanne Barr with a flat-top and cigar. Or how about Dianne Sawyer interviewing a homeless transgender straight off the street? The results would be, I think, quite different.

Please don’t think I don’t appreciate the way things have happened, I do. It’s has been such a wonderful thing for me and all my gender non-conforming brethren. But the public can be a fickle beast. We need to be mindful of the delicate transgender public marketing in place. There are a growing number of voices crying out that these celebrities do not, in fact, represent the Trans community. They are right of course, but do we really want the public to know this yet? 

And finally it sinks in

I've always felt a bit like a pretender. When I was a kid, I joined the YMCA basketball league because my best friend did. I neither knew, nor cared anything about basketball, but I pretended to.  At parties inevitably, I would have to talk football with other guys. Again a pretence of knowledge and care.

When I finally got the courage and support to express Jess, although good, it still felt like I was pretending. I pretended to be the person I knew I was inside, but I still felt like a fake.

I was a fake guy, and a fake girl, I knew this as fact. I was nothing, really.

Today was a new day. It was my birthday, and the best one ever. I woke up Jess. I got dressed Jess. I had lunch with my daughter, and I was Jess. I pad the bill, with a credit card with the name Jess on it. I shopped at a department store, used the fitting rooms for the first time as Jess. I had dinner with my other daughter and son-in-law, and I was Jess. 

All day It as 'miss', 'ma'am', and 'ladies'

My son-in-law gave me multiple hugs, in public.

Today, I am Jess, and I'm not pretending.

i think there comes a time in every trans, gender fluid, or whatever's, life when we have to understand that subtle shift from fantasy to reality. To know you are no longer just living in your own head, but living in the real world.

I crossed that line today. 

Paradox

You know the Si-Fi time travel paradox? A man travels to the past and kills his own grandfather, So he is never born, So he can't go back and kill his grandfather, so he is born, etc. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Last night was my monthly get together with my GNO group (Girls Night Out). We pick a random place every month and have a fabulous time dining, drinking and talking.

This night started as usual, with me being extremely early. I asked for a table and was hit with the 'Do you have a reservation?' question. Of course not, we never do! I think the trans thing was working as they seemed nervous to turn me down and soon I was seated in this very busy and crowded restaurant. The waiter was courteous and used every female pronoun on me he could.

After a very short wait, I was joined by a few of the group. While waiting for the full group to arrive we were talking. One of my friends, a CIS girl,  looking at my top says 'Bra-less, I wish I could do that'. I realized that my breasts have actually grown to noticeable size. It was a very nice feeling. I can tell, but I did not think anyone else could.

 My legs have always been good, mostly due to lots of bicycling, but the rest of my figure is pretty bad. The addition of small, but noticeable breasts, along with some weight loss, have started my figure in the right direction. I can see a future where my figure is not entirely horrible.

But then I look at my hands, giant meat cleaver hands. Nothing will ever change them. It makes me wonder how I would have turned out had I started HRT in my teens. Instead of the psychiatric treatments and beatings my parents gave me. Neither of which worked, obviously.

But If I had, certainly my life would not have unfolded as it did. I would not have the love of my life (my wife), my two fantastic daughters, my son-in-law. In short my life would not be the wonderful thing that it is.

So that's the paradox.

 I guess I'll just have to learn to live with my hands! 

Wanderlust

When I was a teenager, like many I thought of adventure.  And I was lucky enough to have had a car and tolerant parents. I traveled about the state of Texas during my summers, often with a band of friends I met at a summer camp. We crashed at one anothers house, camped in our cars, slept on the beach in Galveston. It was great fun, and made us feel free.

I seem to have passed this along to my daughters, and my youngest especially. As a young teenager, she would listen to a particular song, one that I still have on my playlist. It speaks of getting away, taking the car and just driving. This was clearly on her mind. 

I think that many young people dream of this, but so often they get caught up in 'the real world', and settle down to job and obligations.

There is a line in the song that says 'put your money where your mouth is', and I am reminded of it today as I got a text from my little wanderer, a photo of her today at white sands, and another of her and her friend from Berlin. She is traveling to a concert somewhere in the western US desert, with this girl and 2 other friends. All four of the young adults met on other trips and became friends, The girls from Berlin was on a walkabout across the US that time.

Last year my daughter spend an entire month in Spain with a girl she met on-line through a photo site. Today she is on her third trip in so many months, all to the west coast. Flying to L.A. to help a friend drive to a new home in Seattle, or just to explore, again Seattle. 

I was proud of myself so many years ago for the experiences I gave myself on the road, but it pails in comparison to what my daughter is doing. She is most definitely proving that she is about far more than just dreaming.

You go girl, I'm so proud of you.

A happier note

Recent activities has placed me in judgement of a wide spectrum of humanity. I discovered that Berlin, Germany, is one of the most trans accepting cities in the world. I've been back to my family's favorite sushi place, back to my coffee house haunt, and picked up  take out from Pei Wei.

All these places have presented me with an overwhelming sense of acceptance . I revel in this feeling,

I have said it before, and will emphasize it again, I do not pass. Only a deaf blind person would come away mistaking my birth gender as female. But that does not matter, what matters is that I can present myself in the way I want, and be accepted for it.

I'm not trying to pretend to be a CIS woman, that's not me. I'm not even sure that i'm strictly trans, Gender fluid seems to fit better.

But the point of this is that I now live in a world where I can be me, here, there. In a car, and way away far. People are not trying to make me fit in a specific box. I'm free to be me, and that is just what we all really want.

The only thing we have to fear is......

I'm getting back to my normal schedule after a time away. First up was my weekly coffee with my best friend Izza. The world does not stand still for any man, trans or not, and a total remodel of our favorite coffee shop proves this.

It was great seeing my friend, and I could tell the feeling was mutual. We ran over the normal hour and a half by an hour. Needless to say, we had lots to talk about. She told me of the tragedies that befell her in my absence, and I regaled her of my adventures in Germany.

Our conversations are rarely inconsequential, and today was no exception. She is an immigrant, legal, but still an immigrant. While waiting on the great snail of our governmental process, her visa has expired. The INS is fully aware, and has extended her grace period to cover the delay, but still it's unsettling.

For those who know me personally, you know that I am a happy and self confident person who rarely knows the meaning of fear. But this is not her fortune. She now lives in fear of someone, anyone really, disliking her for any reason, and lighting a fire in the INS, resulting in her deportation.

She grew up in deep Mexico, trans, and survived. For such a petty thing as delayed paperwork to strike such fear in her life in unthinkable, yet real.

We all have known our share of fear. The very nature of trans means you grow to know fear. But that fear is really an intangible one. We fear being exposed, ostracized, or shunned. We fear violent repercussions, loss of family or job.

All these fears are applicable to most of us, but usually are way overblown. Most of these fears are self generated, something we finally understand after coming out. In 5 years I have yet to encounter a truly negative response. But I'm lucky.

Back to Izza, her fear is very real, very tangible. If she gets deported, she loses everything. Family, both wife & kids and Parents & siblings. Plus the real possibility of physical  violence and even death for being returned to her macho driven culture.

And through this all, she persist on telling me lithe good things that have happened to her while I was gone. She smiles and tells me how glad she is that I am back.

We need to keep perspective on how good we really have it. Make that your every day first thought, be thankful that we have so little to really be afraid of, compared to others.

Trans is a privilege not a problem, politics are a problem.