I have left the political soapbox behind today and return to my personal ramblings.
Of late I've been revealing that I'm trans to just about everybody. Every encounter is different, but have all been positive.
There was one friend both my wife and I were apprehensive of. An older gentleman, divorced, who lives alone. I've known him for over a decade and we get along great. In spite of the fact he might be considered a curmudgeon.
I came out to him recently and he seemed to ponder it for quite some time, but never had a harsh word. Quite the opposite he was very gracious.
The next day I saw him with a serious look on his face, so I wondered if sleeping on it changed his mind. Unexpectedly he said "You shared a secret with me, so now it's my turn to share with you. Here is something that nobody in this town knows...".
I'm sworn to secrecy so I can't elaborate on what he disclosed, but it was personal, legal and neither common nor unusual. I was humbled that he chose to let me in on his secret.
It dawns on me that we have just expanded our communication capabilities. There are now two worlds of discussions we can have that were not possible before. I can talk of transgender issues, he can tell me of his secret world.
Before the LGBT revolution, I'm sure that millions of people had to stifle their thoughts and feelings for fear of outing themselves. Now they can freely speak to anyone about their lives. Now it's the transgender community sharing our secret with the world.
What starts as a minority pushing for rights has the side benefit of making human interaction more complete and precise.
What happened to us?
- Sometimes I feel the need to speak about issues that are not transgender related, and today is one. -
When one group of people wants to takes over or destroy another, the usual way is through violence. If one of those groups is an entire society, the method is war.
You choose to fight a war to take over/destroy your enemy. Unless you know you can’t win, then you have to try other means.
Al Qaeda, ISIS, The Taliban and others I’m sure, want to wage war on the western world. They want us to die because we don’t believe in their extreme version of religion*, one that has no room for anything or anybody else on earth.
Some also want reprisal for perceived digressions the West has hefted on their world over the past centuries, some just want our stuff.
But they know they don’t have the strength to take on even the smallest western government in a direct war.
If you can’t win directly against an emery, you have to make the enemy destroy itself. This is where terrorism comes in. You do things to make your enemy panic and do stupid things.
The things they do have zero strategic value. No amount of market bombings, Mall shootings or even destruction of big buildings will ever help them gain one inch of ground on taking over the countries they attack. Killing 3000 people is terrible, but a drop in the bucket vs the 450,000 active servicemen in the US military alone.
They do it to make is scared.
And it's working. The American people have become so afraid that we will do anything to feel ‘safe’ again. Even though our odds of being in a terror attack are a fraction of dying in our own bathrooms.
They have made us so stupid that we take weapons to the movies for ‘Protection’ and shoot innocent moviegoers by accident. (http://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/crime/suspect-in-renton-theater-shooting-says-he-feared-random-attacks/).
We are becoming violent against our fellow citizens because of their religon. Something that drove people form their homelands and created our country in the first place. (http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/hate-attacks-muslims-u-s-spike-after-recent-acts-terrorism-n482456)
We won WWII by breaking the secret Enigma code used by the Natzi's for secure communication. We heard everything they said about troop movement, attacks and supplies. Now the Governments wants to break our secure communications by forcing Apple to break the iPhone. Who among you think the terrorists did not think about this when they used an iPhone in their California attack?
They can’t break the encryption, so get their enemy to break it for them.
We are facing an election year, and instead of focusing on issues of human rights, non-discrimination and economic well being, we are thinking like chickens with our heads cut off. We favor a man who is an open racist, bully and con-man. A man who touts his business ability when virtually every business he attempts fails. ( Trump Airline, Trump Travel, Trump Mortgage, Trump Magazine, Trump Steaks, sold only at Sharper Image! ). His claim to fame is real estate and he does not even build or finance the buildings, he merely ‘Licenses’ his name to real developers. (http://www.businessinsider.com/trump-businesses-that-no-longer-exist-2014-10?op=1).
Why? Because he says all the things that make a scared population feel safe. Says he will ban all Muslins, even though 99.9% have nothing to do with terrorism. He says he will build a giant wall on our border, and make someone else pay for it!
We are so scared that all our normal bullshit detectors have shut down.
This is not a blog against Trump, if you want him, elect him, that is what democracy is about. But just think about the real reason you are doing so, and who made you feel that way.
*These people do not represent Islam anymore than Jim Jones represented Christianity
My secret identity was blown...
I have been acquainting everyone in my life with the new improved me. Having recently added a boss, cleaning lady, and my dental hygienist.
This week brings me to Hot Springs Arkansas where my wife and I have rental property and a small garage apartment we keep for our own use. Over the last 10 or so years we have made some good friends here.
It was time to bring this part of my life up to speed, so we asked a few friends to dinner. When it came time to drop the bomb, I brought out my phone displaying a picture of me as Jess. The friend beside me saw the pic first, placed her hand over my phone, quietly saying to me 'what are you doing?' with a look of understanding on her face.
It took a second for it to sink in, but I realized she already knew and was concerned that I was about to out myself by mistake! It was my turn to be surprised. I had been worried that the news would come as a shock, instead I found I already had an ally seated next to me and did not know it.
Breaking the news to the others went smoothly and as usual, everyone was amazingly supportive.
I know the odds are that I will find someone that can't come to terms with who I am, but so far they have eluded me!
Give it some time
Being Trans It's easy to get wrapped up entirely in yourself. I spent untold hours studying hair, makeup, clothes and shapeware. When I came out to my kids, my daughter spent hours teaching me how to walk, sit, stand, and in general how to behave like a lady.
All so the world would perceive me the way I perceived myself. I was completely focused on what people thought of me.
I’m married, to an incredible woman, who gives me her unconditional support. Dressing at home was never a problem. She encouraged it and was genuinely excited for me.
But when I left the house with her, she had to consider how people perceived her. My change caused a big change in her life as well.
At first she was very uncomfortable, not prepared for the public perception of her. She was a woman who has been married, to a man, for 35 years. She liked that perception and was not happy with being perceived as having a girlfriend.
So we pretended just to be ‘good friend. Never holding hands, never showing affection public. Sometimes I would put physical distance between us so people would not know that we were together.
That was a while ago, and things have changed. I noticed a few weeks ago, shopping for groceries together that she was not distant. She was happy, laughing and joking with me. She stood close, touched my arm and would lean in to speak in my ear.
The real kicker came one weekend recently. We had gone out for dinner and afterwards went to a club to listened to a Jazz band. We were publicly very affectionate. Sitting very close, talking close and touching each other. Eventually she leaned in and kissed me very passionately.
Later she would tell me ‘ I just don’t care what people think about us!’
It took time for her to adjust, to become comfortable with this new life I had shoved upon her.
But she has, and I couldn't be happier!
How did I know I was trans?
For years I did not know I was transgender, never had even heard the term until a few years ago. I just knew I was different. My desires didn't match who I was suppose to be. I wanted to wear things girls got to wear. But didn't think that made me a girl.
When puberty hit, my sexual preferences seemed to line up correctly, I was attracted to girls. This helped to re-enforce that I was not a girl, after all girls did not like girls. (this was a bit before LGBT was common knowledge, at least in small town East Texas)
My desires never went away. I would dream up scenarios that put me in women's clothes. Elaborate fantasies- witness protection program where I had to be disguised for my own protection - government spy, my cover was as a woman. There were more, always in my thoughts. I can not think of a time when the scenarios were not running in my head, reasons I should be presenting as female.
Eventually I learned about transgender, and I learned that your gender identity had nothing to do with your sexual orientation. I began dressing in public, and it was amazing. But like an addictive drug I needed it more and more, until just dressing seemed shallow. I felt that I was just pretending, playing at a role.
I wanted it on the inside, not just something I put on the outside. After discussions with my wife, I started HRT, to make my insides feel more aligned.
And now, I feel right, I feel like me.
That's How I know.
Comfort zone
One of the hardest adjustments a transgender has to make is in our comfort zone. Where we can go, who we can be around, etc., and still feel comfortable.
Human nature tells us to seek out places of comfort, so that's what we try to do. We look for situations where we are comfortable.
This is the wrong way to look at it. Instead of changing what we are comfortable with, we simply look for situations that match how we already feel.
Transgenders following this behavior pattern are headed down a dead end street. You will find that the more you express yourself, the fewer comfortable situations there are. You end up shrinking your world when you intended to expand it.
You need to learn to be comfortable with things that used to make you uncomfortable. Don't try to make the situation fit you, learn to fit the situation.
For me, it once was intolerably uncomfortable for strangers to see me and know I was trans. But one day I looked at myself from a strangers point of view. I saw a pleasant, polite, obviously trans person trying hard to be herself. I decided I could live with that assessment, even with the 'obviously trans' part. I was no longer uncomfortable, I expanded my zone.
Izza and I were having our afternoon coffee in a crowded Starbucks. Every tightly spaced chair and table was filled. We were engrossed in conversation when She casually uttered a phrase that I would only say to close friends or family. "Because I want to be pretty" , a phrase I have stated countless times, but never in public. She said it aloud in public where strangers could hear. Panic begins to invade me, I was out of my comfort zone. As I sat there I began looking at us from a 3rd person view, as if I was someone else in the crowd.
I saw us not as she and I, but as two trans women, talking to each other as friends, about things in their lives. Happy, normal, friends. And that was all it took, I was comfortable again. I could be happy being one of those friends..
So my zone just got a little bigger, ...again.
Look around you.
Yee-haw! I live in cowboy kuntry, gun tott'n, right wing Texas. A place where everything is 'all good' as long as you are a straight white male. That's what most people think about Texas.
I understand this prejudice. Where I grew up there was a sign across the main road into town that read 'Welcome to Greenville, the Blackest Land, the Whitest People'. When I went to school, there were no gays, their existence was vehemently denied. Women were housewives, not police officers or firemen. Nurses, not Doctors. We had Hispanics, but you rarely saw them in public spaces.
Last night my wife, daughter, son-in-law and I went to a local English pub style bar. A popular night spot, it was full. I have been going here for years, a few months ago I introduced them to my female self. I'm always treated like gold and last night was no exception.
Midway through the evening I took a long look around the room. There was at least one guy in a cowboy hat, a lesbian couple, a large hispanic family, an interracial couple, two tables of gay men, several mid-twenty girls dancing by the bar, and scattered couples of various ages.
So how had I gotten here? Star Trek transporter? Tear in the time space continuum? No, I was still in Texas, it's just that Texas is not THAT Texas anymore. At least not in cities like DFW or Austin.
Every day, small changes in society happen. Small enough we rarely notice. But when you go back and compare then to now, well Wow! Society has changed tremendously since I was a child, and I'm grateful.
Source: http://
PseudoScience
I’m seeing a lot of ‘It's miserable to be Trans’ Facebook posts lately. ‘Being trans is a curse’, ‘Why am I this way?’ et al.
One even stating they were trans because of some chemical introduced to their mother during pregnancy. This was followed by comments full of anecdotal logical fallacies. People love science, it’s a shame most can’t tell pseudoscience from the real thing.
Your anecdotal personal experiences are no substitute for controlled, double blinded properly documented experiments. You cannot have an idea of what the answer is and try to find events to prove your assumption. That is not real science, but it how we all fool ourselves into believing so many falsehoods.
I’m not saying these people have not had problems, but I don’t think blaming being trans is correct. What about those who not only enjoy being trans, but embrace it?
I hear phrases like ‘ People made me feel bad’ or ‘society made me feel like a loser’. Society didn’t make them feel. No person can MAKE you feel anything. They can influence your thought process, Only your brain can make you feel.
They felt this way because they allowed themselves to feel this way. I know this seems harsh but it’s the truth. If you know anything about neuroscience you know this. Our brain never hears, sees, feels or smells anything. It just interprets signals from our biological sensors and determines what to do with that data.
This explains why you see people in every aspect of life that either are always happy/positive and others are always mad/sad/negative. It’s how we choose to interpret our surroundings.
Mainstream media is not immune from pseudoscience either, they tell us how dangerous it is to be trans, how much we suffer. How high suicide rates are among transgender, how high our murder rate is.
Are Transgender more likely to commit suicide than average? Are we at a higher risk of attack? The real answer is we don’t know. The facts are not there.
You can not state a percentage of anything unless you know the size of the data set in question. In a group of five, if one dies, it’s one in five, or 20%. But if there are 1000 in the group, it’s one in one thousand or 0.1%. No one knows how many of us there are. Numbers range from .03 to 20% of the US population, big difference.
I want to see more positive stories posted. or at least full disclosure of the real facts, not just link bait speculation. I’m tired of the world believing that to be trans means pain, agony and increased risk of murder/suicide.
I know there are people in the trans community that suffer, but being Trans is not the cause.