How to treat a Lady

I heard from a friend about a campaign in her company to promote the treatment of their female employees. It's called 'He for She'. The company is looking to increase the ratio of female to male workers in managerial roles. 

Apparently it's based on HeforShe.org, self titled 'A Solidarity Movement for Gender Equality'. The company thinks it's stimulating their male managers to think of women as management material.

They have failed before they begin. 'He for She' is insulting, sending the message that men have to go out of their way to be accommodating to females. The implication is that the women need to be given a helping hand. What they need is simply not to be suppressed. They need to be treated as equals, not someone in need of a handout.

Men in general, and there are exceptions, tend to think of themselves as the top of the food chain. They are certain that without them, the world would stop turning. Giving them catch phrases like 'He for She' just reinforces their feelings of superiority. Since there is no need for a 'She for He' movement, men must be superior already.

When you treat anyone differently than you would treat yourself, you have failed. There should be no difference in how you speak to or about, a natural male, natural female, a transgender, gay, lesbian, bi-sexual... the list goes on. We as humans should consider only one thing in determining how to respect someone else: Are they human? Nothing else maters

What about trans people? We want to be treated as equals. When people label us, make special rules for us, create special bathrooms for us, etc.,  we are second-class citizens, or worse!

Not alone

Alone: First I was alone

When I was young I felt completely alone with my transgender feelings. No one I knew seemed to even consider that anyone could be that way. I think this issue is true for most, if not all transgender people.

Two: Then we were two

I'm unusually lucky that in college I met a woman who acknowledged that people did feel this way, and was perfectly OK with it. I married her.

She gave me two daughters, and gave them her genes. My contribution to their gene pool did not result in any transgenderism being passed along, but her acceptance and kindness did.

Four: Now we're four

I sheltered them from the T word until they were in college themselves. Their reaction has been remarkable. Most of my transgender friends would kill for the support I get from my family.  

Five: one more

Eventually every dad, transgender or not, has to see their daughters move on. My oldest married a wonderful man. She choose well and Jess gained not only a son-in-law but a new supporter.

Details:

The early days saw little time as Jess, but my wife would encourage it whenever I expressed a need. She never conveyed any distain or reluctance, it was always just a normal thing with her. 'It's who you are' she would tell me.

When the girls came into the loop, they jumped in quickly. Imparting on me all the knowledge they obtained growing up as girls. Helpful things I would have learned if I had not spent my youth as only a boy.

More important than the lessons and encouragement has been the fact that they treat Jess as a normal part of life. They attend social gatherings with my transgender friends, we dine in normal restaurants, go shopping in regular stores. This includes my son-in-law, who can compliment my outfit and then switch to tech talk with me, without missing a beat. They make me feel 'normal'.

When I blog, I blog from my soapbox, taking the role to a political level sometimes. This requires a level of confidence that is often missing from the trans world. A confidence that comes from the support, nourishment and encouragement I get every day from my family. 

So when you read my words, remember that it took a team to get them on your screen, the best damn team anyone could ask for.

There is no 'I' in weekend

My wife and I went to the movies Saturday afternoon. Weekends are usually Jess time, so we were a pair of ladies.

In public I'm conscious of people’s reactions and saw no one paying particular attention to me. 

After the movie I noticed my wife was uncomfortable. She said she was apprehensive of the public's perception of us. She felt that many eyes were on her.

Experience has taught me that the general public is concerned mostly with themselves. There always will be a few that do notice, and I have learned how to deal with it.

I have only been concerned with reactions to me, but my wife is also breaking the normal gender rules. Being out with me, she appears lesbian, as we are obviously a couple. I never thought to ask if she was comfortable with this perception.

I have a long time friend who is hesitant to do anything in public with Jess, but at his home it’s just fine. I should have realized that he is worried about peoples perception of him.  I have just assumed that all attention, good or bad, would be on me. 

As transgenders, we think of ourselves and how we can get along in the world. When it comes to our family and friends, we seek their approval, but do we ever consider the position it places them?  By being who we are, we add our issues to their lives. 

We don’t travel in a bubble, our presence has an effect on everyone around us, Let’s try and be conscious of that fact.

Rehash...

Earlier I wrote a piece called ' Who's story is it anyway?'

I was upset by the portrayal of transgenders in the media. I was apprehensive of the (at the time) upcoming Bruce Jenner interview.

Fast forward to now and things are a bit better. ABC treated Bruce fairly, so you would think we were off to a good start. But media coverage, while increasing, has not changed it's stereotypical coverage. Today I read an op-ed in 'The Advocate.com' by Brynn Tannehill covering the same issues. His piece is well written and to the point.  

Here is a clip from it that really gets to the problem:

" In short, people want what they expect, including transgender stereotypes. They want the clichés and the tearful stories. They want transgender people to expose the most intimate details of their lives for the supposed "education" of others. They want all the stuff that trans folks are so familiar with talking about in media that we've created a "transgender documentary drinking game," where you take a shot every time an interview features footage of a trans woman poignantly painting her face with makeup, pulling stockings up her legs, trying on high heels, or uncomfortably reflecting on the infamous "before" and "after" diptych. 

'The media is a business, and just like any other business it is about making money," Allyson Robinson rightly explained in a recent op-ed explaining why networks give cisgender [nontrans] audiences what they want in trans stories. "It has to show pictures of a trans woman putting on mascara or doing the laundry in a skirt and heels or dramatic 'before and after' shots, because society's desire to leer at those things is what gets eyeballs on the screen.' "

It's really the same old story of humanity. People want what they want, and there is always someone to give it to them, especially if a profit is to be made.

What can we do about this? Resist, of course, don't give them what they want. Present a strong, self-confident and non-threatening image. It's going to take a while to sink in, but eventually it will.

I read that the women's rights movement has been ongoing for over 150 years, lets hope we don't have to wait that long.

How we effect others.

Izza (my sidekick) and I went to dinner last Saturday night. As usual we spent a lot of time in conversation, this time we discussed why so many people are so bothered by us.

She believes that men are upset because we threaten their perception of manhood. Men, she says, are brought up to believe that any thoughts of attraction to another man is gay. When they look at us, it sets up a conflict within. Their eye see something attractive, but knowing that we are plumbed just like them is deeply disturbing.

 I had a conversation with my wife about the problems with competition over looks. She has a friend who dated a transgender. Their relationship ended because of competition over who was going to look better. She was OK with her boyfriend dressing as a woman, just not when he competed with her on who was going to look best in her skirt, etc.

When I think about it, usually the first places any transgender feels comfortable going out in public are the gay, lesbian and bisexual areas. Here a gay guy never feels threatened, he's just not interested (in Trans-women). The Lesbians are not feeling competition, they seek out attractive females. And the Bi's, ... well they just love everybody.

When I'm with my non-trans friends, I feel the need to repeatedly reassure the male ones that I am not attracted to men. All of my friends have been very open and supportive, but I can tell that there is still internal discomfort for a few.

Are these the reasons? Or are they just trying to get over learned behavior? Am I missing something Is there something?

I usually leave these posts with my final thought, but for this one I invite you to leave me your thoughts.

Please leave me your comments

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What's that in the bathroom?

Media exposure is always a mixed bag, with both good and bad reactions.

Many lawmakers have taken up the battlecry of 'Save our Bathrooms'. State legislators across the nation are pushing for laws that make it a crime for transgenders to enter bathrooms not matching their physical gender at birth. 

No consideration is given to their gender identity now or at birth, or in most cases, not even the current state of their physical gender.

What is the logical reasoning behind this? To keep 'real' women and children safe from attacks. 

Let's take a closer look. Legislators state that if we allow anyone into the women's bathroom just because they say they 'feel' like a woman, it puts the CIS women in danger. The implication here is that a predator could gain entry into the women's bathroom by being or just pretending to be transgender. Once inside they would have free reign to attack at will. So a law is needed to make entering the bathroom illegal.

It's already illegal to attack someone. In the scenario these lawmakers describe, the predator would be discouraged from the attack because...it's a crime to enter the bathroom?

Let's get into the head of the perp in this situation. Perp - 'OK, I'll just say I'm transgender and then I can get into a bathroom and rape a woman. But it's illegal to enter the bathroom because I was born with a penis. I was willing to risk breaking one law by raping her, but I draw the line at breaking two!'

Legislators rarely mention other aspects of what these laws would do. A transgender woman in the men's room is far more likely to be attacked. Have lawmakers never heard of bullies? In their eye, there is no such thing as transgender men, who would be regulated to using the women's bathroom. How are CIS women going to react to the guy with muscles and a full beard in the bathroom, will she just think 'I guess that man was born with a vagina' ?

What is the biggest problem facing our country and the whole world? Is it the breakdown of family/religion/culture? No, it's fear plain and simple. People who don't understand things fear them. And people do stupid things when they are afraid.

Note: As of the day I posted this both Florida and Minnesota have defeated their bathroom bills, lets hope the others come to their senses.

Note2: I use the term CIS, rather than 'Real' woman or 'Natural' woman. It's a term that has gotten me some flack, but it is intended only to simplify my writing, it's not meant as a label. 

Never felt so nice to be ignored

When I first gave in to my urge to express my feminine side, like most transgender women, I wanted to be a really beautiful woman. But I knew that this was unrealistic, so I started with the small goal of not looking like Milton Berle in Drag. My standards were set low with little expectation of being seen as anything but a guy in a dress. I went to dark clubs inhabited by other transgender people. 

If I had occasion to be seen in the light of day, it would always cause a bit of a ripple in the social order. No one tried to stone or torch me, but I always got quite a few disapproving looks.

A great deal of my problem was just poor choices in my apparel and heavy handed makeup. My wife has, from the start, suggested I rethink these choices and I finally started to listen to her. This along with some months of HRT have made some improvements in my appearance.

When I look at myself, I see few differences, and my guy mode garners no discernible changes. But with my hair fixed, a light touch of makeup and simple everyday casual feminine clothes, I have become un-recognizable from how I used to look.

I had a followup visit to my GP after my last physical. Only the Doctor knew I was transgender, and I had always gone to appointments in guy mode. The followup was done as Jess, and the receptionist, who has known me for years, did not recognize me until she noticed my daughter who was accompanying me. 

Today shopping for critical cat food and wine, I went as Jess. I shopped PetSmart, Trader Joes and finally Starbucks without a single glance. The checkout clerks looked me in the eye without a hint of knowing that I was trans.

I've arrived at the enviable position of that woman you don't notice. Go me!

Leather skirt or leggings?

Lots on my mind today, so I'm breaking it into several posts, I know we all hate to read long blogs.

Last week I posted about going out with my sidekick and how good it felt to be in the real world. I posted as much on my Facebook page and got some critical comments. One took issue with my suggestion of how to dress in public.

I do understand that how you dress is a matter of personal choice, and that it is not my place to tell anyone how to dress. I'm responsible for me and no one else.

My point was meant less to be a statement of what we should do, and more of an observation of how the general public responds. This applies to everyone, trans or not, in all aspects of life. I think everyone understands that it is inappropriate to attend church in only socks and underwear, that many businesses refuse service unless you have on shoes. There is a time and place for a leather skirt, corset and 6" heels, it's just probably not Thursday afternoon at the local Starbucks.

I make this observation now because of the media attention we are currently getting . Transgender media coverage is at an all time high and public awareness is strong.

Bruce Jenner has put us in a very good light and we owe it to each other to make the best of it. We can do that by letting the public see us as non-threatening, as people they can relate to. They don't want to see fetish-wear unless they go looking for it.

The woman at target in leggings, flats and an oversized top, could easily be the one at the club Saturday night in the micro mini sporting a very low cut blouse, knee boots and a whip. But she knows she is at Target, not the club.

Many of us have felt suppressed for so long that we want to just say 'to hell with it, I want to wear leather every day until I die!', and I understand your frustration. When someone tells you how to dress as a transgender, it's insulting. 

But just because we are transgender does not give us a pass on social graces, and the more we ignore them, the more misunderstood we will be.

Let's use this opportunity to show the world that we are not a mental disorder, that we are normal, just a different normal than them. Treat the world like a strange dog, move slow and let them smell you before making any big moves!